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Mourning on the Internet

The past weeks have been difficult. My former art history professor, Yates Evans, at the TCC Visual Arts Center, ended his life earlier this month. I don’t claim to have been especially close to the man, but he was my friend and I feel his loss. I can’t imagine the devastation his family and life long friends must be feeling. I haven’t had much time to process this. Someone’s death, especially someone not related to you, doesn’t make the world stop around you. There is school and work. You can’t take a break. I actually am home because I only had school today and I needed a day to just pause and recover from regular stress and delayed grief.

I miss him. We had future plans to be in a group show together. He was a huge influence on me and always supportive. He was one of those teachers who was always wound up and really enjoyed what he was teaching. He didn’t teach directly from the textbook and invited his students to challenge it and him.

His death was a shock but not a complete surprise. He wasn’t quick to share his problems but he was a passionate man clearly in emotional pain. I wish he hadn’t made the choice that he had, and I’d be lying if I pretended not be feeling anger over his choice. He was always supportive and complementary to his students to the point that he didn’t seem to have enough left over good feelings just for himself.

A Facebook page, In Memory of Yates Evans, popped up not long after his death. I found myself scrolling through my friends list and stopped on a picture of a man cuddling with a fluffy kitten. He looked familiar but my recognition was slow. When I realized it was was Yates I felt like I had been socked in the jaw and literally yelled out loud. Facebook was the one place I never expected to see a picture of him. At school he was notoriously camera shy and regularly railed against the evils of internet social networking. For those reasons I at first felt almost anxious that now here he was, on the internet, in pictures, after his death, but then I thought about it more and tried to find some humor in it.

I commented on the wall and it actually felt kinda good. I realized it wasn’t up to him anymore how his family, friends and students remembered him. I thought it was very generous of others who knew him better to share their memories.

Yet, mourning on the internet is a bit loaded. I kept going back to the page to reread what I wrote, wondering if it was okay, too gushy or indulgent. Because, there it is, on the internet. Of course I could delete it, but couldn’t that be conspicuous? It’s all a bit different than wondering how you were perceived in a short conversation a week ago that can’t be rehashed perfectly and naturally fades with time.

Then add to that the action of ‘liking’ the page that memorializes the death of someone you miss dearly. It’s a small thing and doesn’t matter much but it did feel a bit gross and inappropriate.

I had a chance to sit in his current class while they were given the news by his mentor and boss, the Visual Arts Center director and a grief counselor. I didn’t anticipate it being a very useful experience, but when compared to writing on a memorial internet wall space…it really was a powerful and sad experience. There I was talking to people rather than just myself. It was okay to cry. I’m not someone who is comfortable expressing extreme emotion in front of others but crying in public, with others who also felt sad, was very freeing.

This feeling isn’t over yet and perhaps I’m dissecting it to push it away a bit further. I’m simply glad I had the chance to have such a wonderful teacher, to know such an interesting and kind guy.

He will always be a part of my future accomplishment and paintings. I can’t escape it. I’m glad for it. I wish he had been able to stay with us longer.

I hope in the future that more of his artwork makes it onto the internet so I can share it with you.

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Awash in a Sea of Unfinished Work

journal-foresightinprogress

It’s been hard to churn out work this semester and get into a good rhythm, but I think it’s beginning to happen now.

I also started a part time job working for the art supply retailer Jerry’s Artarama. I have to say working retail again feels odd, but it’s a good place with nice co-workers and familiar clientele. I just have to be careful I don’t get sucked into spending all my wages on art supplies. I feel like working there is helping me become more familiar with different brands and get to know other local artists. Now I just wish I had time to paint! Or that they’d pay me to just sit and paint!

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Colored Pencils – The Drama

I think I’ve found a method I like for my drawing class. I’m ink washing the values onto watercolor paper, gesso-ing on top of that to fuzz it up and give it tooth, then completing the image with colored pencils(and adding more india ink on top of that to push the values). I’m digging the results. The layering gives the finished piece a kind of distance from the viewer that I like.

My biggest problem is the colored pencils. Prismacolor seems to be the standard(wait, wait, Marco Mazzoni appears to use Faber Castell), yet the set I bought for school, including any loose extra colors, constantly break. Strangely the remains of my set from high school don’t break at all. I noticed that the manufacturer changed. My old set say Berol and the new ones are made by Sanford(which I guess bought Berol). I’ve heard of other students having a similar problem, but then also heard others never have the same problem so who knows what’s up with the quality. Because of these issues I don’t want to invest in another set hoping that they won’t be as useless. I went to the art supply store and bought several loose different types of pencils to try out. I got some of the Prismacolor Verithins with the harder pigment. So far they seem good, but only useful for fine details. I got some Derwents(the Inktense watercolor colored pencils). I’m not too sure about them yet. I do like the Progresso colored pencils. The entire shaft is pigment, no wood at all.

Probably the most important thing I bought to help me was an electric pencil sharpener. It plugs into the wall and doesn’t seem to eat the pencil or get snagged on the wood the way hand held ones do. I’ll bring it to school and sit up against the wall with it plugged in like a troll, charging my classmates high fives to use it. I was hesitant to buy one at first. The one I had as a kid, and which my mom probably still has, was huge and faux-wood paneled like a station wagon. This new one isn’t tiny, but it’s still smaller. It actually looks like a shuttle-craft from Star Trek.

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Stressing out over Still Lifes

Here are some thumbnails of the some photos I took trying to put together still lifes for my painting class. I want to do this, but I always fear I’m being too cheesy, when really I should just go for drama and as cheesy as I want.

It’s also not like I can’t creatively edit the scene how I want in my painting. I don’t have to paint every unnecessary detail and I can interpret thing how I see fit.

As you can probably tell, I’m trying to create vanitas-like still lifes but with objects of fortune telling and superstition to match my conceptual portraits. I want to improve my observation skills and removing the portrait from the scene is probably exactly what I need to do to concentrate on objects.